PORTFOLIO WOES

Ep. 101 - THE ABOUT PAGE

Written by Drew Schmidt

CAST

YOU........................................................You
ME ……….....................……..Drew Schmidt
ARLO...............................King Arlo Goodcat
MARGO.......High Priestess Margo Broodcat

INT - HOME OFFICE - EVENING

Multicolored light radiates from a gaudily-customized PC, transforming the room into an RGB hellscape. At a desk in a corner of the room sits a Not-Quite-Young-Anymore Man, saving his project for the fifth time this quarter-hour. He closes the NDA-protected material and begins to upload his daily progress to a shared server. YOU approach. 

YOU
License and Registration.

ME
(handing over Resume) 
Howdy, I'm Super Chach.

YOU
Kinda name is that?

ME
Sorry, pen name. I get credited as Drew Schmidt.

YOU
We don't count credits here, Hollywood. 

ME
I'm from Minnesota...

YOU
That's right. You're a long way from Tinsel Town. 
Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME
To discuss storyboarding opportunities?

YOU
Do you think this is a joke?

ME
No, Sir.
(beat)
Or Ma'am? Sorry, I should have asked–

YOU
Don't worry about my pronouns. Just call me officer.  
Now, please step out of the vehicle.

ME
The vehicle? This isn't–

YOU
What are you doing?! SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

ME
(quickly raising hands)
The cats are on my legs. I was just gonna– 

ARLO and MARGO scatter.

YOU
Stand up and place your hands on the monitor.

ME
But it'll smudge, officer.

YOU
(shining flashlight over desk)
A three monitor setup like this and you're telling me 
you don't have any screen cleaner?

ME
I...I just ran out. I’ll go get some more if that’s what this–

YOU
Woah, pause the progress there, Quicktime. 
What’s the rush? Got someplace to be?

ME
No, sorry, just nervous around new people, I guess.

YOU
No need to be nervous.
(looking over LinkedIn profile)
As long as this registration checks out.

ME
It will! I have references!

YOU
I'm sure you do.
(patting me down)
Do you have anything on your person that I should be aware of?

ME
(holding out hand)
Just this stylus.

YOU
For the Cintiq Pro 24 propped up over there? 
That's some big machinery for such a small guy.

ME
The average height for cis males in the US is–

YOU
*snickering*

ME (CONT'D)
Anyway...
(beat)
I'm proficient in storyboard pro, photoshop, and procreate. 
If that's what you're asking? I also have experience with plenty of 
dead programs, if you wanted to...
(arching an eyebrow) 
try something different?

YOU
Back up. Dead programs? 

ME
(unarching the eyebrow)
You know, programs that were industry-standard back when I was getting started.  
Essentially worthless now. Though I suppose there's some value in–

YOU
Who said anything about dead programs?

ME
Well yeah, I guess "phased-out" is more polite.

YOU
But you didn't say "phased-out." You said "dead."
(eyes darting)
Why don't you go ahead and open that trunk?

ME
The...trunk?

YOU
I've already called the K-9 unit. There's no point in playing coy.

ME
A dog? My landlord is pretty strict about–

YOU
(hand hovering at hip)
WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

ME
(hands outstretched)
NOTHING! WAIT! I-

YOU
Hands behind your back! 
(cuffing me) 
We'll get to the bottom of this. 

YOU load ME into your cruiser and take me back to your station for questioning. My court appointed attorney insists that any further communication take place via email at:

drewaschmidt@gmail.com